


The Worst is Yet to Come

by DoctorsOrders



Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Butcher is a mess, Gen, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Identity Issues, Introspection, Past Becca/Billy, Self-Destruction, Spoilers, breakdown - Freeform, canon whump, for Season 2 Episode 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26447260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorsOrders/pseuds/DoctorsOrders
Summary: Billy tries to come to terms with Becca's choice and his new reality.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	The Worst is Yet to Come

**Author's Note:**

> **SPOILERS for S2E4**  
>    
> Regretfully I am posting this because I couldn't find it when I searched...so here we are  
> even though I said I wasn't gonna write fic for this show  
> I just didn't feel like Butcher was suffering enough

_I didn’t go to you._

It was going to haunt him. As if Billy wasn’t already haunted enough. He was practically a goddamn Halloween attraction at this point. Haunted and broken and rotting from the inside.

She didn’t pick him.

She’d been right not to pick him. How could he have ever thought anyone would pick him?

He’d been mad at first. His first reaction was always anger. She’d been right about that too, of course. It had never taken much to push him over the edge before, and now, the circuit breaker was off, there was no safety, no kill switch for the rage and hurt.

He felt it in his throat, burning it’s way down into his stomach, spreading through his veins like a fiery sickness. The anger was at himself, not her…not even at the mutant kid.

He clenched his jaw so hard he felt a tooth crack. At least it gave him a physical hurt to focus on.

Becca was right. She’d been right all along.

It wasn’t even conscious, but he’d already been imagining ways to ditch the kid.

Not kill him. He wouldn’t do that, he wasn’t that much of a monster. Probably. He _probably_ wouldn’t have killed him. He was half Becca after all. But the other half…the Supe half.

Half a mutant was still a mutant.

Billy didn’t even like kids. They weren’t going to have kids. She hadn’t wanted kids. They hadn’t ever talked about having them. As far as he knew, she’d been on birth control. Fucking mutant Supe sperm. What a fucking mess. What a horrible, cock-sucking mess.

Maybe he was a man possessed. Maybe he was a lot of other things he wouldn’t admit to too.

She didn’t trust him. She _hadn’t_ trusted him. Not even back then, back when they were perfect. It left him empty, wondering if anything had ever been perfect, if it had ever been real. The thought split the patchwork mess of his heart right in two. She loved him, but that wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough for her, even when she’d been his everything.

He couldn’t save anyone.

It was worse like this. Billy had thought her being dead was the worst he could ever feel, but he was wrong. It was worse that Becca was alive and didn’t want him. That she’d had to see him like this. It had been _easier_ when she’d been dead, and he knew he could never admit to that out loud. Easier when killing Homelander would have been enough, because there had been a time when that was all it would have taken. When feeling the life leave the cunt’s body would have brought him enough satisfaction to move on. It wasn’t going to be enough now.

He wasn’t sure what would be enough, if there even was an “enough” for him anymore.

His world had crumbled when he’d seen Becca. He’d barely been holding himself together as it was, but this…the way they were going to end. It carved him up so deeply he wasn’t sure how he was still standing, wasn’t sure if he could even call himself human anymore. Maybe he was even less human than a Supe. Maybe he didn’t care.

A buzzing took hold in the base of his skull. A live wire of unholy conviction ignited the slow ooze of hurt that lay curled around every inch of his being. What was the point? What did he even have left?

He’d burn it down. He was going to burn it _all_ down.

**Author's Note:**

> My deep attraction to characters like this is exactly why I have horrible taste in men.  
> When is the last time I caught myself writing het or gen? It's been probably more than a decade
> 
> ANYWAY hopefully next week they'll show us the fallout of all of this, because I know Billy is absolutely devastated <3


End file.
